When I judge you

When I judge you, It's because I fear that if I don't it will be noticed among the crowd. I fear that the sympathy I may hold for you, will make the crowd think that I am just like you. In actuality I am.
Mecca

I found out that a friend from high school passed away a few months ago. If you were to hold my life up to hers you would put me on a pedestal and shake your head at her. Only because on the surface she lived her life and pain out loud and I lived mine as quietly as possible.

She experienced pains that were horrific and she did not let it Get In The Way of her laugh and her smile. Which was out of this world. I went to visit her in 2004, I had not seen her since 1990. I could tell she did not have much time on top of this earth. She laid in the bed and told stories only the way she could tell. You would listen to her, knowing she is lying but you just didn't want her to stop talking.

Now I understand why she was loud, she wanted to feel, she wanted to know she existed. Does that makes sense. The pain was drowning her and she acted out because she didn't want us to forget she was in the room. We all do it in different ways. I would and sometimes still do, try and please and pleasure everyone that would let me and force my sunshine on those who wanted no part of it. The praise I got in return made me feel in the midst of the drowning that was really going on.

There was no strife or jealousy in her voice and she had every right. We were the same people and had experienced the same pains but here we were going different ways.

I wanted to do something for her but all she wanted from me was shrimp fried rice and chicken from the Chinese restaurant. No money, no favors, no promises.

Looking at her, I realized it could have been me in that bed. How many times I looked at her in the past and so many others and thought to myself "I'm not as bad as him/her.

Catch yourself when you judge someone. Think about the judgment you are passing on them and think about yourself. What is about you or what have you done in this universe that gives you that power. Or what is about you that is reminding you of the person or action you are judging.

I have been in the company of people who claim to be Christians and they no longer speak to me because of judgments they passed. Here was this woman who has had life of hell and she welcomed me with open arms. She didn't bring up the time I threatened to beat her up because she made me miss the New Edition concert in High School. She didn't bring up the times that I talked about her horribly cause I was trying to fit in with others in hopes to not have my pain exposed too.

She didn't judge me.

Rest In Peace Africa

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

There are 4 major fields that interest me.

I. Psychology/Sociology

II. Natural Hair Cair/ Putting the best you forward

III. Cooking/Entertaining/Putting a smile on someone's face

IV. Protecting society/shielding children from danger/Putting away criminals/Reform

Some people know exactly what they want out of life, and how to go about making that happen. My earliest memory of what I saw for my future, was always law. I wanted to be a lawyer. My stint on my junior high's debate team, had me on cloud 9. Coming to the aid of others, is a natural response for me.

Life did not allow me to press forward and follow that dream, along the way I have discovered new passions that I hold just as dear.

How do I pick, these are not hobbies I am talking about. These are life long career decisions I am trying to make. I already realize that I can cook and entertain in my spare time. I do that now and I love it.

How do I fit in catching bad guys and loving up on abused, abandoned children, and helping women of color realize that beauty is best in it's natural state when it comes to their hair. I'm open for suggestions.

My purpose statement:

Is to Forgive, Reclaim and Restore

My core value:

Justice for all

I gathered this from a book I read called "The Path" Creating Your Mission Statement for Work and for Life by Laurie Beth Jones

Why you should buy your daughter a vibrator for her sixteenth b-day

Why you should buy your daughter a vibrator for her sixteenth b-day

I know some may be appalled by the title, but I have been giving this much thought. This is not for the women who have daughters and are open with their daughters and have an open door policy to talk about anything. This is not for the women who realize they brought their daughters into the world, therefore it is her responsibility to guide, lead and help her child along life's journey.

This is for the women who will be honest with themselves and think back to when, when they were 16 and what was really going on in their hearts and bodies.

I was told by mother to stay sweet for my sweet sixteen. That was it, her expectation for me and my body went no further in her mind and our conversation than my 16Th birthday. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she had me at 15. Maybe in some twisted way she thought if I made it pass 15 and was still a virgin I would be safe, and she would have accomplished whatever it is she felt her duty was to me.

It was not hard for me to hold up to my end of the bargain. I took pride in being a virgin, I saw the difference in how I was treated and how girls who were giving in to peer pressure and low self esteem were treated. I could walk in any room with my head held high. I didn't have the best clothes, hair or anything you can place in the blank, but I had my virginity.

After my 16Th birthday I was approached by a boy in the neighborhood who had been working on me for months. My mother wasn't there for me to go to, mentally or physically. I could have picked up the phone and called her but it never happens like that. I was doing great in school, I had hopes and dreams of becoming a lawyer. But by the time the smooth talker put his trap into high gear I had began to give up. I was 16 now. There was no one there telling me how important it was to hold on to my purity. What a priceless gift it was to give.

Without getting into the good, bad and the ugly, if no one was there to tell me how important my virginity was, the conversation of my future, goals and aspirations were little to none. I had outsiders cheering for me, but we know it's futile when you are getting the opposite from your home team.

How many ladies out there are willing to admit, once we give in that first time, we spend a good majority of our life trying to get it right, and experience what it was we were suppose to get that first time.

I have a wonderful man in my life, and I get complimented on how great he is often. I don't let it go to my head and I definitely don't forget where I came from. "I kissed a lot of nasty frogs to get my prince".

What if my mother had been there for me and instead of just saying "don't bring no babies home", explained the whys and why not's. Now that I am an adult I understand that adults believe if you see them struggling and going thru because of their choices, you will make different choices. It just does not work that way. Generational cycles are very real.

If my mother would have bought me a vibrator for my 16Th birthday and sat me down and told me about the power that my body really holds and the life you lead once you start handing that power over recklessly, wow. What or where could I be right now. If we look back at the majority of the issues and things that went wrong in life as women, I bet you can tie sex in the issue no matter what it is.

I don't have a daughter, but when I'm blessed with one, I'm not going to worry about planning for some dumb party that will come and go, I'm going to be busy arming her with freedom and knowledge of who she is and who she could be.

Work is Love Made Visible

I have to first state that I did not come up with this thought on my own. I was reading someones blog at http://arlerambabu.blogspot.com/. His post jump off the screen and hugged my heart. I asked him for permission to expound on it.

“You are an atheist. I have never seen you praying. You neither have fear nor respect towards the God”
Distracted and disturbed by the torrent of my wife’s accusations, I turned away from the easel towards her and said “did you say something?”
“Not just something. I said many things. I am asking you sir, why don’t you spare a few minutes every day to thank the God for making you walk on this beautiful planet”.
“Oh, prayer? I have been doing it every day”, I said. Nonchalantly preparing to turn towards my work. But my wife stopped me from turning away from her and said staring straight into my eyes,” A lie.”
“No dear it’s true. I devote at least 12 to 14 hours a day for my prayers” I said.
“12 to 14 hours? Every day? For prayer?”
“ You got it right darling. For me work is worship and prayer all included... For me work is love made visible?
I turned towards my easel and my grumbling wife towards kitchen."

What do you do when you know that you have put your heart and energy into your mission, journey or path, and someone comes along and says It's not good enough or worse they don't even acknowledge you tried.

The reason the quote above touched me, is the fact that I lived it for 7 years. There is nothing more painful than putting your heart, livelihood and being into something and have someone appointed over you letting you know at every turn you will never measure up. Who can cast the first stone?

The people who have been ordained or appointed to put forth the "Thus Saith's" don't walk softly in their power but yet slam their feet down in arrogance. This is not just about religion, whatever your labor of love is, place in the quote. Serving God hits home to me because that was my personal journey at a time in my life.

I opened my home, heart, wallet and energy to the work of God. For the most part it was rewarded the same way the man in the quote was rewarded. "What have you done lately". I remember being in prayer meetings, I would go to the back straight to the corner by the bathroom, I sat down Indian style facing the corner. I would tell God everything, I prayed for others, myself and the world. I would pour out my soul.

People laugh at those who believe in a higher power, but really think about the courage it takes to put effort into trying to contact someone you can't see, touch or hear (audibly). The prayer meetings took place with the lights off. When we were done the lights would come on. On several occasions this would be the beginning of undoing all you and God had accomplished in your prayer corner. Sometimes it happened during praying.

The Pastor yelling at the top of his lungs, how he does not think the congregations prayers are measuring up or worthy to what God would have us to present to him. So in turn this would go from a room filled with people in their own personal space and time with God to a room filled with people trying to compete for God's attention. We forgot that He sees and hears all because we, in an instant allowed a man to shred those facts from our hearts. If you think being a room of people praying out loud is weird, imagine being a room of people praying out loud trying to impress someone. It's not weird, it's plain foolish.

There are people in our lives who sometimes are placed there by us or by our family tree. We give them such a profound amount of energy over our destiny that we know longer listen to our inner voice to tell us whether we are navigating our missions, journeys or paths correctly. We rely solely on their words and body language to direct our destination, set forth just for us by the Creator himself (whoever it may be for you).

Parents, Preachers, Teachers, Family, Friends, etc. sometimes they knowingly and unknowingly get in the way of our destiny, they begin to make our destiny about them or them. Respect and worshipping are two different things. Never worship man or his word because it will fail every time. You can respect his word and his stance but that's his/her personal mantra, don't make it your own. God took out the time and carved one just for you.

Words! who knew

My job. Let me start by saying I know there are people who are out of work, homeless or poor. I appreciate my job, my paycheck and my benefits. But if your lover buys you dinner, it doesn't give them the right to belittle you.

In this day and age, I believe it's common place, to treat your employees like property or cattle. Instead of respecting them as individuals with ideas, opinions and for whatever it is they truly can bring to the table.

I am on a journey to discover exactly what my purpose is. I can make a purpose. I can purpose myself to be the best damn fry cook Ronald McDonald has ever seen. That is what most of us do, we fear that inner voice whispering what really is in our heart to show the world so we create a purpose easy to obtain. No questions asked.

In these trying times, you are just happy to get a paycheck. The sad thing is this very attitude sets into play the killing or silencing of your inner voice.

I'm one semester away from my Associate Degree. It has taken me 17 years to get here and it's the most exciting, freeing, uplifting, frightening, nerve racking moment in time. The thrill is short lived, because my inner voice says it's not enough. It took me 17 years to stop muzzling that voice and it will not shut up!

Today at work I was reminded how important it is for me to not allow myself to get side tracked ever again.

I was told that "I wasn't part of a team".

I know that sounds silly to get upset about, but you must know that my job does not come with many perks. My paycheck is not a perk, I work for it. I work with a group of people that I have just fell in love with. There was talk about splitting us up and I questioned it. That's when I got the response that I allowed to put me in a mood that I have not had in a long time at work.

If I'm not on a team, working towards a goal, what am I doing? Why do I show up 5 days a week?

When the statement was made, it was not to imply that we don't work like a team. This person did not want me to get the impression that I belong to a special group. The thought behind the comment is, "you come to work and you produce and that's all you do".

Of course to be honest I know he meant the individuals I have been working with shoulder to shoulder for almost 2 months now are not my team. I should be available to work with what ever group of people they deemed fit for any day they choose.

Words are so powerful.

I love the big picture. The big picture of that statement spoke to me.

We don't want you in small groups, because within those groups someone will lead. Within those groups voices are more powerful because they can easily be pinpointed. In large groups there is chaos, and people falling through the cracks of the politricks of the job, but the work will get done.

Remember being picked last for a team.? How that felt. Or not being picked at all and sitting on the side observing. What emotion is evoked when there is no team. Hopelessness. Loneliness. Uselessness.

See in the grand scheme of my journey, I am well aware that for the most part my workplace could care less about my hopes, dreams, and abilities. But this job is currently paying the bills and allowing me to continue to move forward in finding my mission in life (career).

I am one of those foolish people that just have to make a difference. Everything has to have meaning. I make my own self sick sometimes. But that's me. Part of my journey is finding my team. I believe there are a group of people out there who are waiting for me to come on board.

It just floored me, when in one statement I realized the place I have put almost 3 years of myself in wasn't it.

My Mother's Ghost are My Own

My first memory of my mother is one of a fearless protector. She was my night in shining armor. I worshipped and adored her in every way and she knew it. As I sit here and think about my mother, it's really hard for me to appreciate what it was like to have two children by the age of 16. But my life would play that fact out like a severely scratched record on a never ending turn table.

How do you honor someone who makes it so difficult for you? How do you muzzle an instinct, restrict your heart from the one who helped create it. On the rare occasions I see my mother, I find it so hard to look her in the eyes. There is so much in them that she refuses to share with me and I think that is the most painful event of the many I have experienced because I am her daughter.

When we are not among the fortunate, or so we like to call them. Whose parents have taking on the responsibility of bringing life into this world as a mission. We spend a lot of waisted years trying not to be like our parents. How can you redo what has already been done? How can you come from a mold and rework the clay of the craftsmen?

If you are like me, you will eventually learn that there is nothing you can do about the fact that when you look in the mirror you see them. Mother, Father, Grandmother, Grandfather and on. They are there staring back at you wondering if you will break the curse and take your heritage to uncharted territory that time, tradition and bitterness will not allow them to see.

When Moses smote the rock, he couldn't go any further. He had to stand aside and watch all those who complained along the journey, enter in with ease.

I don't have the energy anymore to fight against the traits of my mother that are so strong in my veins. I just have to learn to sift through and take the qualities that made me adore her as a young child stand tall over the qualities that causes the bridge between us to be so long and wide.

The same things that cause her to go into dark places are the same things that send me there as well. But I have learned we go there for different reasons.

I can taste the finish line

This is it. My last semester towards my Associate Degree. Astronomy, History 202, Customer Service and Math. These 4 classes stand between me and this small victory. I received a call the other day, informing me, my math class had been canceled. I was shocked and was almost ready to hyperventilate. What did this mean? I had never experienced such a thing. I was calmed immediately when I was told there were other classes open I could get into.

The celebration for this one of many accomplishments to come, will be short lived. I have to now choose the path of the next journey towards the ultimate journey. Where will I transfer to for my Bachelor's Degree. When I was younger these decisions were novelty now every step and choice is like life or death to me. I don't mean to sound melodramatic but it's true.

At 34, I have taking so many wrong turns in my time and I believe mistakes are great learning tools, but I am ready for more advancement and less reflection. I am not really a college student, no "rah rah sis boom bah", no sorority meetings, no student bodies and affiliations. Degree, that's it. That's the Goal, Degree. To much time to make up for, no time to smell the roses. Work.

Now that I am so close to the promise land of an Associate Degree, I have decided that when I transfer; I want to be more involved and more attached to the experience. What will have to happen to accomplish this is another miracle within itself. I challenged myself to be debt free by September. This will allow me to work part time, therefor giving me the freed time to be present in the experience of earning my degree.

Scary, the discipline that it's going to take makes me want to crawl under the covers and not come out. I am very frightened about this next step of higher learning, but I plan on tackle it the same way I did my Associate degree. Four classes at a time. In an earlier blog, I shared my struggle with realizing exactly what I felt was the path for me as far as a career went.

The idea of being a psychologist is really bringing peace to me. We'll see.

Where Do I start

Where Do I start

I am not that arrogant and naive to think that you want to know of every waking moment of my life. I try to blog about what ever passionate button I am experiencing that may give some ones soul a high five. While cleansing myself at the same time. A few things have happened that I should have went straight to the computer and got out of my system, but I put it off and so the zeal I may have possessed for whatever subject is now faded. I think I am going to have to start blogging on a daily basis. I realize that if you get sick of me, you will just stop reading.

Today I watched Obama's speech on CNN. He threw his hat in the race for presidency. It brought a tear to my eye. It was a very uplifting speech. He didn't point fingers or throw dirt. He just spoke about the type of president he wanted to be and what we could expect from him and what he expected of us as a nation.

In an interview, a reporter asked him if the country was ready for a Black President. Melting pot my ass. What does that question tell you about America. He was so calm in his response. He said "Yes. If I lose it will only be because I did not present to you effectively what this country needs in its next president." He took the high road. No race card pulling shit. It's funny how a lot people hate the racism topic and want us to just move on and let the whole slavery bump go. Then the question comes "Is the country ready for a Black President?". If that does not scream condition of this nation, I don't know what does.

Colin Powell's wife would not allow him to run for president. She felt that if he won, within a year he would be assassinated. Obama represents America better than anyone else. His mixed heritage tells what America really is and not what it's pretending to be and hold on to. The "Good Ol' Boys". When you think about the representation of this country, those who end up in the White House only truly represent a small portion of America.

I don't want him to win because he is Black. Honestly I was on that kick for a hot second. I have come back to my senses and remembered I don't endorse things because of the color of someones skin. That would very ignorant and uneducated of me. I endorse someone because what ever their product, it is for me and it represents me, my thought pattern or my beliefs.

This man exudes confidence, knowledge, compassion, understanding, fight, and accountability. It's easy to point fingers and blame others for misfortune, lack, misrepresentation, and anything you want to add. To stand tall in spite of all that is someone who represents me and my everyday struggle, working to make my destiny come to pass.

So True

I LOVE THIS

JOHN MAYER
Daughters

I know a girl.
She puts the color inside of my world.
She's just like a maze,
Where all of the walls all continually change.

I've done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hand,
But I'm starting to think
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me.

Fathers be good to your daughters;
Daughters will love like you do, yeah.
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers,
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

Oh, you see that skin;
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day you two met.
I bet I was on your mind
Never never anytime.

Fathers be good to your daughters;
Daughters will love like you do, yeah.
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers,
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

Boys you can break,
You find out how much they can take.
Boys will be strong, and boys soldier on,
But boys would be gone without warmth
From a woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man, looking out for every girl,
You are the god, and the weight of her world.
On behalf of every man whose looking out for every girl,
You are the god, and the weight of her world.

Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do, yeah.
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers,
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.